As I was reading a book that GCM sent to read before training in October this morning, I realized that I am the reluctant missionary.  I’ve never wanted to be a “missionary.”  Never.  In fact I remember thinking in middle school and high school as I would go on missions trips saying to myself things like “I’ll never do this full-time” or “I’ll never be a missionary.”  In part, I think I had been taught the wrong view of a missionary.  My understanding for so long was that they were people who were the spiritually elite, bravest and loved God more than everyone else.  I knew I wasn’t these things.  However, despite that I remember in elementary school falling in love with ministry and have loved it ever since.  I just always thought that it would be under the authority of a church – which in many aspects it still is, just not the way that I thought it would be.  I thought I would be stateside, working in a children’s or preschool ministry.  I’ve been in this role for as far back as I can remember… I really mean that too.  Even when I was in elementary school, from the first day I was responsible (and maybe before) my dad would come and pull me out of children’s church saying “they need help in preschool…. go to (whatever room needed help) and see what you can do.”  I never thought much about it, but now nearly 15 years later, I see how God was using it to mold me and teach me the skills He wanted me to have.

In high school God put traveling in my heart.  I had little desire to stay where I was and wanted to see the world.  My dream was mountains and raining days were my favorite.  Most people I know dislike the rain, but there’s something about it that calms my soul.  I think it was in college… that’s a lie, I know it was in college when I first began to desire moving oversees. I assumed that I would could nanny or work with children in one aspect or another.  Chelsey, my roommate had talked me into serving in the preschool ministry at church, and a family there was fostering two little girls, Katie (4 or 5yr) and Morgan (3yr). Some would define both as “problem” children each in their own way, but I fell in love with them and serving them by means to playing my part well that they might hear the gospel.  They didn’t stay for long.  I think the family had a hard time with them, but they have left a lasting impression on my heart and God used them in my life to stir up the desire to love the orphaned and helpless.  After that I had in the back of my heart that I wanted to work with this type of children, the ones that have been left, abused, hurt, unloved.  I was still in college and knew I wasn’t at a place to care for them at that time, so somehow it fell to the back of my mind and became the “some day” dream of mine.

Beginning the summer before graduation, all I ever heard was “Guatemala this and Guatemala that.” Then one night at church during worship, I felt like God was whispering to me that He was going to take me to a land that I had never seen.  I immediately knew it was Guatemala.  I finally took the hint and talked to Jamie, one of the Mission’s Pastors at the church about going on a short term.  My plan was that I would “go” by going on a short term trip, but in the back of my mind I was nervous that God was going to require more of me than that.  By the time my last semester at Univ. North Texas came around, I was anxiously praying constantly “Lord, what would you have me do?”  I had been on staff at The Village for almost a year, and where most had been told that after they graduated they would be hired on full-time, I was told the opposite.  I didn’t know if that meant I was suppose to go somewhere use, or be patient or what.  One morning, I took my Bible, Journal and went to sit by the lake and as I prayed “100 children” kept popping into my head. I knew it was from the Lord, and I knew it meant a group home and I wasn’t ready for it.

During this time my world around me was changing, I had several close friends moving away for work or grad. school or just because of life.  I clearly remember a conversation with one friend the week before he moved to Guatemala.  We were talking about it, and I was asking questions about different things since he had been there several times.  After a moment of silence he looked up at me as asked me where I was going to move to Guatemala.  I was set to go to Guatemala 2 months later, but still completely unsure of what my future looked like.  One thing I was sure about was that I didn’t want to MOVE to Guatemala and yet it was in the back of my mind and hidden away deep in my heart.  I jokingly said “I’ve never even been to Guatemala, I might get there and hate it.”  He simply replied by shaking his head, “no, you’ll love it, when are you moving there?”  I knew he was right – I just wasn’t ready to admit it.

As I headed to Guatemala that July, there was a apart of me that felt like Joshua exploring the Promise Land.  I knew I would be living there, it was just a matter of time.  There was a part of that that I loved and a part of it that scared the hell out of me.  I was torn between wanting to go, and not wanting to go.  Then one night, holding a sleeping child, I felt like the Lord was whispering again “home.” Only by that point I wanted to go.  He just had to show me that it was going to look like and remind me that He would walk with me.  When we were back in Texas, I kept praying about whether or not that was truly what the Lord wanted me to go.  I mean seriously?  One night I got an email from Kailah, who is living as a missionary in Huehuetenango Guatemala, sent a group email with updates about the orphanage there and after reading her email, all I could think about was “I want to be apart of that!”   I knew I had to go, even if I didn’t fully want to go.  I wrestled for a long time with it, and finally had the courage to tell our Missions pastors what was going on.

I continued to pray that God would confirm it so that I would know for sure that it was from Him.  The three people I asked God to confirm it through was Jamie, Carl and Charissa.  In one of my meeting with Jamie, I remember him saying something to the effect of “I knew that when you asked me about going on a short term trip, the day would come when we would be having this conversation about moving there.” Check one.  Jamie confirmed.  Carl on the other hand was completely against it.  Well I say that, he tells me that he was always just joking, but I am a firm believer that within every “joke” there is an element of truth and with as many “jokes” about my not going, I was certain that he did not approve.  It took several months of prayer and conversations with him, but I remember the moment I felt like he was finally okay with it. We were sitting in his office and we were praying about something and then out of no where he begins to pray for my future ministry in Guatemala.  :-) My heart was made glad with check two. Carl confirmed.  Charissa was a little trickier. By this time, they were settled into living IN Guatemala.  How to get it confirmed? Well, how else but to go back to Guatemala.  It was nice.  I wanted to see how life worked there without a church team of 15-20 people there.  Life is always different when it’s simply a daily thing rather that a week’s adventure.  So I went over Christmas break and New Years.  As I sat on the plane waiting to take off, I was praying, “Lord, I don’t know why I’m doing this!”  His sweet response?  ”I’m increasing your faith.”  While I was there, every aspect of living there was discussed, yet, I found myself still reluctant to admit that I was actually going to move there.  I think apart of it was fear… well maybe a lot of it.  I was completely sold on the idea, but logistically scared out of my mind.  One thing that would rolling through my head constantly was raising support.  That’s one area that the Lord is going to have to be completely in charge of, because I know I can’t do it.  I remember one morning sitting and drinking coffee together and Charissa said for me to let her know when I was completely certain and she would help me figure everything out… it was something about “when you start planning what to bring or getting rid of things” I just remember, that I said okay, but in my mind I was thinking, “man, I’ve been doing that since July!”  My last night in Huehue, I asked Charissa what she thought about that idea of my living in Guatemala.  After talking for a minute or two, she looked over at me and said, “Hannah, if you’re looking for me to confirm that I think that the Lord is calling you to be here, then Yes.  I’ll confirm that.”  She later told me that she actually knew I was suppose to come down about 4 days before that.  Check three.  Charissa confirmed.  Now I knew what I had to do.

Since that time, it has been a long, short journey.  Long in that every step has been hard, or rather trying and spiritually growing.  And short in that it was only a year ago that I knew for certain what I was suppose to do, even if the thought of ACTUALLY doing it, didn’t seem as exciting.  I was hopeful and excited for a long time.  I was constantly told, “wait.” Now that it’s here, the struggle to go has been less exciting.  My desire to stay has been more apparent.  There are moments when I still doubt that it will ever actually work out.  But I know that if this truly is where the Lord has called me to be, which I believe is true, then He will work out all the details.  I do still become excited with the thought of going, just the other day I was thinking through what I’ll need to take to live there but it’s paired with a sadness of leaving.  I have been reminded of how much I love the church and family that I have here.  But I know my hope is not set in having them with me.  Already the sacrifices of moving to Guatemala are hitting me as I have to give of things that I have enjoyed in the past to make room for preparing to go.  I still often find myself feeling like the “reluctant missionary” but my prayer is that simply being obedient to the Lord and resting in Him will cover that.