Let me first say that I am so excited about the future… I have so many hopes and dreams about what is and what could be that sometimes I just have to stop thinking about it because my head is spinning at the things that could or will be.  And that excites me.  However, despite that I have found myself in a season of mourning. 

It’s about the time of the year, when most of the people I know begin to plan for the upcoming year.  My year on the other hand,  is more or less already planned.  Even last night at FM360 friends were talking about it, they were praying for it, and planning, thinking and processing.  I on the hand simply sat back and let the knowledge that everything they are talking about no longer applies to me soak in.  I won’t be here in October of 2010 when we launch the Dallas FM360.  I won’t be there to see the changes or how community looks different then than it does now.  I won’t be a part of designing or setting up the scene and I won’t be there to plan for the children by staffing workers.  In fact, if anything, there will likely be someone else that comes in to do my job and do it better than I do it.  I won’t get to see so many of the children I’ve known for so long grow up during my seaon Guatemala and I’ll miss out on so much that happens with our families.  I think about Audrey starting 1st grade, Taylor learning to walk, Lauren becoming a young lady, Cassie and Nick in middle school, Lily surprising Josh, and I could go on and on and one….    And that’s makes me sad.  I know that I can’t be in two places at once, let alone two different countries.  I’m beginning to realize that in those moments of mourning the things I’ll miss, my eyes and heart are blind to the things that the Lord is allowing me to take part in.  I mean, honestly, I know in my heart that the things I’ll be able to take part in, will be absolutely amazing!  God hasn’t left us to fend for ourselves, but rather He is leading and guiding us to MORE of HIM.  What on earth (or in my case, in Texas) could be better than that? 

It’s funny how silly skits planned for kids, can and do still apply to us as adults… well at least me as an adult.  Last night at FM360 the skit talked about obedience to our earthly parents is a picture of our obeidance as children of God the Father.  It was a game show, and the game was see if the child would listen and obey the father by staying in the “Circle of Blessing.”  Then the game show host would tempt the child to come out of the circle for a prize.  For the first child, it didn’t take too long before the host had lured the child out of the circle, but the loving father of the second child, gently and lovingly talked with his son about how to and the importance of staying in the circle.  The child though tempted and at times longing to leave for the “prize”  had a close relationship with the father and remained steadfast and obedient.  They in turn, won the game show and received the rich blessings of remaining in the circle.  I know that listening to the Father is the best way.  He knows what is best, He gives what is best and most importantly He IS what is best.  That’s the steadfast love and confidence in Christ that I need to have and know in order to follow Him in obedience.  I’m so thankful for His graciousness and love that seals me for Himself.    

And at the end of the day, I know that I could easily argue that “it’s only for a year” and that might make it better, yet I know the truth that I don’t actually know how long it will be.  The first time I came back wanting to move there, I told Matt that I would be willing to go for 5 years.  The second time I thought “well, 5 years isn’t really very long… maybe I would go for 10….” It was at that point that realized that I should just give it completely over to the Lord so that I didn’t plan the next 20 years of my life on my own. That, without a doubt would go very very badly – I’m sure of it.  So I’m going for a year, knowing that I could come back at the end of the year to start my life over once again, or I could come back in a year to visit family and friends before going back for another season.  Until then, I will simply hold fast to the Father and follow where He leads.