I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot this weekend… “How do you feel?” “What is it like?”  These and many similar questions have been asked of me this weekend and particularly this weekend.  It was my last Thanksgiving, before Guatemala, it made moving seem a bit more like reality; it was the last weekend in the Highland Village campus, so many memories, so many stories… God has done so much in my heart in that building and I am hopeful that He will continue the work He started in Flower Mound and then in Guatemala and then… well wherever the Lord leads. 

Tonight JP gave a sweet reminder of the tension we live it with the gospel and the cross, Joy and Grief walking together.  Outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly being renewed day by day.  I woke up this morning wrestling with the tension only to continue walking in it, I am hopeful and confident.  A dear friend reminded me today that God will provide all my needs and take me to the places He has deemed that I go when He has deemed that I be there, another reminded me not to hold on to my own fears, but to give them to the Father.  The Father is ever faithful, ever-loving, ever wise, ever good.  To know a truly believe brings far more peace than I could ever imagine….  and I am ever so grateful!

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 14:26-27

I look towards the wintering trees To hush my fretful soul As they rise to face the icy sky And hold fast beneath the snow Their rings grow wide, their roots go deep That they might hold their height And stand like valiant soldiers Through the watches of the night

 No human shoulder ever bears The weight of all the world But hearts can sink beneath the ache Of trouble’s sudden surge Yet far beyond full knowing There’s a strong unsleeping light That reaches round to hold me Through the watches of the night

I have cried upon the steps that seem Too steep for me to climb And I’ve prayed against a burden I did not want to be mine But here I am and this is where You’re calling me to fight And You I will remember Through the watches of the night You I will remember Through the watches of the night

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  

2 Corinthians 12:9

I’m fairly certain that I’m being lead into a season of learning that His grace truly is sufficient for me.  I sometimes look at everything going on around me and question how its possible for anything to be done.  However, even in that I look back on my life and see how faithful God has been and how He has accomplished so much more than I ever thought possible.  How His past words have kept me pressing on without growing in despair.  My first year of teaching was… well to say that it was “hard” or “difficult” or simply “trying” would be a gentle term to use.  Truth is the only reason I pressed on without giving up was because I felt like the Spirit had told me that teaching there would prepare me to go back to Guatemala.  It has, in ever moment of being there it has.  Now my second year of teaching hasn’t been a breeze either, but I haven’t cried daily like I did last year (in fact it has been rare ).  I’ve learned a lot and it has all been useful things to take with me.  I can look at it now and say “The Lord put me there to learn and prepare me.”  And yet with as faithful as the Lord has been, it by no means has come without resistance. 

When I truly began pursuing conformation with the Lord that going to Guatemala was His call on my life, my sister’s home (where I was living) caught on fire in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and I was forced to house hop for the next month depending solely on those who willingly opened their home to me before we could move back in.  It was then that I learned the assurance of salvation was worth more than all the riches of the world and my belongings, though useful, held no lasting value.  They are simply things.  Even this week the moment after I finished my leaving piece for GCM (which I was very pleased with), the computer I was working on slipped off the table and hit the floor.  The verdict on the computer and all the files on it is still out.  The leaving piece was one that I felt like captured the beautiful partnership between The Village and Casa de Libertad and how GCM was being used to sent believers overseas, how God has been preparing me for this season for long before I knew it, how Christ has called us to be laborers in the harvest and how Guatemala still needed laborers to preach the gospel and my testimony in a simply yet God honoring way.  The last time I read it I was sure that God would use it to bring glory to His name so of course there is resistance to it.  Needless to say I was a little heart broken but it was a simple remember that Satan is against the work of the gospel.  By staying obedient to teaching, I’ve learned confidence in the Lord when others do not approve or actively dislike me.  I’ve learned that obedience is worth more than the desires of my heart, for in reality my desires and my comforts lead me away from the Lord and to my own glory.  The desires that the Father has transformed in my heart lead to more of Him and the praise of His glory.  Satan hates this.  Satan doesn’t want the Father’s name proclaimed, he comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  Satan doesn’t want the gospel preached in the States or in Guatemala, he wants men, women, and children to stay in bondage and yet Christ has come to set them free and His power is far greater than the one of this world.  Praise Him! 

    May each passing day bring about a death to myself and a praise of His glorious name.               

After months of assessments, applications, training and my final interview, I have finally been told that I have been fully accepted to Great Commission Ministries!  This has been a huge conformation that the Lord is leading me down this path and that I’m not going on my own.  I have lost count at how many times I have prayed and asked the Father to shut this down and close every door if it is not of His will, and yet the doors have continued to fly open with every step.  I have been so grateful for the prayers of dear friends throughout this process, and the journey has truly just begun.  As I told a friend this morning, I feel like I’m sitting in a moment of breathing deeply before I take my next big step.  The next step will not only challenge me in my every weakness, but also allow me to see God move mightly in my life and the lives of those around me.  Here’s to the next big step of faith…

 When God wants to drill a man

 And thrill a man

And skill a man,

When God wants to mold a man

To play the noblest part;

When He yearns with all His heart

To create so great and bold a man

That all the world shall be amazed,

Watch His methods, watch His ways!

How He ruthlessly perfects

Whom He royally elects!

How He hammers him and hurts him,

And with mighty blows converts him,

Into trial shapes of clay which

Only God understands;

While his tortured heart is crying

And he lifts beseeching hands!

How He bends but never breaks

When his good He undertakes;

How He uses whom He chooses

And with every purpose fuses him;

By every act induces him

To try His splendor out—

God knows what He’s about!

Author Unknown

 I just finished a book titled “Spiritual Leadership” by J. Oswald Sanders.  It’s funny, growing up a was always annoyed by the thousands of books my parents had lying around the house, but at some point in college I turned into them and now I have a few hundred books sure to be in the thousands by the time I’m 60 (okay, maybe that’s a little bit exaggerated, but still I think you see my point).  I’m selective in what I’ll take the time to read, but generally enjoy every moment of it. Sometimes, I’m not even 100% sure where I got the name for the book or why I wanted to read it, I just do.  Usually I think they are suggested by people I trust, like “Spiritual Leadership” was suggested by good ole Jamie Hipp… well from the long list of suggested reading that Hipp gave me.  I did enjoy it.  It made me see how I got to where I am… truth be told it was simply because no one else stepped up.  A job needed to be done and I had the time to do it.  Since then, the Lord has used many… oh so many things to prepare me and guide me, turn me and mold me.  He has hammered so many things out of me, and yet I’m certain there are a million things left to crush out of me.  There was so much truth in the book, it reminded me that I wasn’t alone.  One part that I feel like sticks out at the moment was the topic of loneliness in discussing “the cost of leadership.” He mentioned several things; self-sacrifice, fatigue, criticism, rejection, pressure and perplexity, but loneliness was what sunk deep.  It seems to be a place I often find myself, knowing that even if no one else fully understands all that is racing in my heart and mind, the Lord knows and I can take rest in knowing that Christ is my advocate.  As I’ve studied scripture and read notes of wisdom from older men far wiser than I, one of the most common themes I’ve seen is that christians will suffer.  To follow Christ is simply a request for it, but to gain Him in the end is so much sweeter and worth every second.  I know that I have by no means “suffered” for Christ and although I don’t anticipate being asked to, my prayer is that I would stand strong and faithful if I am asked to suffer for His name. 

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10  that I may know him and  the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

Phil. 3:7-16

On the Guatemala front, I will have and debriefing over Orlando’s Training on Wednesday, my final interview with GCM on Thursday and a meeting with my coach on Friday.  I think from here on out things will begin to pick up speed… and once things are going, they will go super fast.  I’m just going to hold fast to the reigns and trust that God will provide everything I need.