If I were to be completely honest then I would have to say that I struggle with anxiety more than I would like to admit.  It is something that I’ve struggled with on and off most of my life and every time I think I have it under control and have given everything to the Lord, it pops its ugly head out once again in a new area of my heart. 

Today, it’s in the reality that I am lacking and unable to change my heart on my own.  I get frustrated and take it out on others.  I find that my heart towards God I can sometimes throw the same type of irrational tantrums that the 3 year olds in my class throw toward me.  When God is loving and protective, I see it as unfair.  My heart is wicked and all I can do is confess it to the Lord and beg Him to change me, speak to me, to mold me into a Christ-like image and grant me His mercy and love toward others.  I read “The Deeps” tonight – it’s another Puritan Prayer from The Valley of Vision that resounded within me today.   

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save, he will rejoice over your with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

I think apart of this started with the fact that I have been trying to support raise while working two jobs and trying to maintain normalcy and rest.  It has been slow and while I keep telling myself that God will provide all that my team needs to go, I battle daily the daunting task that has been set before us and the support goal that only God could provide in the time that we need it to come.  I feel as though many are excited about what is going on and seeing me obey the Lord, but few have been able to give financially to the ministry.  The fact is that it is only God who can stir in the hearts of His children to give.  Only God that can press on people a certain amount to give, even if I am able to offer suggestions.  He has surprised me time and time again and I am confident that He will continue to do so.  The Lord has been gracious and I’ve raised a good amount, however I still have a long way to go.  God will have to do it!  He has been the one to do it thus far!  Our team has been praying that God would allow us to have all the funds needed to go by April 1st – this is about 6 weeks before we actually need to have it, but it is something that God is using to refine my faith and trust Him more.  There’s no possible way we can raise everything we need by April 1st, it would have to be God and He would be the only one that would be able to get the glory should this prayer be answered.  Would you join us in praying?  

Would you also prayerful consider allowing God to use you in sharing His name, glory and love to the nation of Guatemala, and specifically the people and children at Casa de Libertad and the staff and children at Fundaninos by giving to GCM on my behalf?  If this is something that the Lord has put on your heart, please go to "Give" and follow the instructions for MyGCM or send me your address and I will mail you a packet with all the necessary information on how to give.   

Thank you!  Please know that I am praying for you and your family.  Love you all!

Written  on Wednesday March 3, 2010, posted to website on Saturday March 6, 2010

Give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach; Help me chastely to flee it, and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be thine alone. 

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being.

Give me a deeper knowledge of thyself as Saviour, Master, Lord, and King.

Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth.

Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly Husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until thou alone art seen in me, thy beauty golden like summer harvest, thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no Master but thee, no law but thy will, no delight but thyself, no wealth but that thou givest, no peace but that thou bestowest. 

I am nothing but that thou makest me, I have nothing but that I recieve from thee, I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. 

Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.

The Valley of Vision

Thou hast placed me in the church which they Son purchased by his own blood.  Add grace to grace that I may live worthy of my vocation.

I am a voyager across life’s ocean; Safe in heaven’s ark, may I pass through a troubled world into the harbour of eternal rest.

I am a tree of the vineyard thou hast planted.  Grant me not to be barren, with worthless leaves and wild grapes; Prune me of useless branches; Water me with the dews of blessing.  I am part of the Lamb’s bride, the church. Help me to be true, faithful, chaste, loving, pure, devoted; Let no strong affection wantonly dally with the world. 

May I live high above a love of things temporal, sanctified, cleansed, unblemished, hallowed by grace, thy love my fullness, thy glory my joy, thy precepts my pathway, thy cross my resting place.

My heart is not always a flame of adoring love, But, resting in thy Son’s redemption, I look forward to the days of heaven, where no langour shall oppress, no iniquities chill, no mists of unbelief dim the eye, no zeal ever tires. 

Father, these thoughts are the stay, prop, and comfort of my soul. 

(The Valley of Vision)

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I recently bought The Valley of Vision.  I have read only 5-6 of the prayers but after the first one my heart was being stirred to know the Lord is a deep rich way.  My hope is that this is one of the things the Lord has in store as I continue to follow Him on this journey to Guatemala.  I won’t lie, there have been several times I’ve wondered if I’m doing the right thing – Did I really hear the Lord correctly?  I’ve struggled in inviting people to join in what God is doing.  It’s easy for me to give of myself to others, but I’ve always (yes, for as long as I can remember, though I’m sure it wanted this way as an infant or toddler) struggled to invite people to give of themselves for my sake.  The Lord began killing this in me when my older sister invited me to come and live with them.  He continued killing it when the family I’m now living with invited me to stay with them.  Again, when someone I didn’t even know, but only had heard my story gave to GCM to support the ministry in Guatemala.  And again, when another family invited me to live with them with I return from Guatemala.  Time and time again throughout this process the Lord has reminded me or confirmed to me that I am following Him and this is the path He has placed me on.  He has daily reminded me that He cares about my physical and spiritually needs in addition to caring about the needs of all His children and those that do not know Him.  Yet even with this, I find myself constantly fighting again the thoughts and fears that He won’t come through this time.  This time, He won’t provide – seriously, Hannah?  It is God who saves, God who calls, God who equips, God who sends, God who provides.  For God to withhold His provision now, would be to deny Himself of the glory and praise due His name. 

Surely He will be glorified and praised in heaven, on earth, in Texas and in Guatemala.                   

Below is a picture of a sweet little Flor at Fundaninos – the children’s home I’ll be serving at while in Guatemala.  Please pray for her, her brother Mateo and all the children and staff at Fundaninos.  

To be completely honest I had a really bad attitude going into it. There was nothing in me that wanted to spend my Friday and Saturday listening to what I assumed would be the same things I heard for 8 days at training back in October.  Yet I knew it was my heart that was in the wrong place and that the Lord was in the middle of teaching me something.  I prayed a lot about it and it slowly seemed easier to muster up the strength to go, although I still didn’t want to. 

Once I was there I was surprised by the approach they took. 

First thing that they started talking about that hit me were “lies.” What lies have I been believing about this process?  About going to Guatemala?  About my life, my relationship with God, God’s character?  I realized that the biggest thing that I had to voice to myself and to God was that even though I was fully aware and believed that God COULD do anything He wanted to do, I didn’t consistently walk in the faith that He is WILLING to work in my life and in the process I’m in.  I knew that He had called me and He worked out the steps hat I must take to follow Him to Guatemala, but I lacked the faith that He would go with me there. 

Then, for the rest of the weekend, I found myself continually coming back to 1 Peter 5:6-11.  “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because  he cares for you.  Be sober-minded;  be watchful. Your  adversary the devil  prowls around  like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore,  confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 

Saturday, I had a great opportunity to sit and talk with one of the Trainers and pray.  It was extremely refreshing.  Even though we walked through and talked about the financial steps needed to get me to Guatemala, and figured out that most of the goal is very much a goal that God will need to meet because I am completely unable to meet it in my own strength I do play an active role in pressing on toward all that God has called me to.  So I play my part and pray for the strength to do it well for His glory.  Please join me in praying that God would show Himself mighty as we draw near to Him and seek Him first in all that we do. 

Tomorrow, I’m going to practice Sabbath.  A day to wait upon and remember the Lord.  A day to rest in His goodness and holiness, and disconnect from the world.  It’s a day I’m going to do my best to disconnect and press into Him.  Disconnecting is something that I have always struggled with.  I feel a responsiblity to work, be available and respond to those around me.  However, in doing so I lose sight of who He is and what He is calling me to…. Himself.

Sometimes it is just good to stop and remember. Remember how Christ humbled Himself to leave His throne and come as a baby to be laughed at, ignored, beaten, and nailed to a tree.  However He didn’t stay in the grave but was raised three days later to take our place and reconcile us to the Father. 

My prayer for you this week is that you woud take the time to stop and remember the cross.  I know for myself it is difficult at times to stop going and just sitting remembering the cross.

Tonight JP gave a sweet reminder of the tension we live it with the gospel and the cross, Joy and Grief walking together.  Outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly being renewed day by day.  I woke up this morning wrestling with the tension only to continue walking in it, I am hopeful and confident.  A dear friend reminded me today that God will provide all my needs and take me to the places He has deemed that I go when He has deemed that I be there, another reminded me not to hold on to my own fears, but to give them to the Father.  The Father is ever faithful, ever-loving, ever wise, ever good.  To know a truly believe brings far more peace than I could ever imagine….  and I am ever so grateful!

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

John 14:26-27

 No human shoulder ever bears The weight of all the world But hearts can sink beneath the ache Of trouble’s sudden surge Yet far beyond full knowing There’s a strong unsleeping light That reaches round to hold me Through the watches of the night

I have cried upon the steps that seem Too steep for me to climb And I’ve prayed against a burden I did not want to be mine But here I am and this is where You’re calling me to fight And You I will remember Through the watches of the night You I will remember Through the watches of the night

2 Corinthians 12:9

I’m fairly certain that I’m being lead into a season of learning that His grace truly is sufficient for me.  I sometimes look at everything going on around me and question how its possible for anything to be done.  However, even in that I look back on my life and see how faithful God has been and how He has accomplished so much more than I ever thought possible.  How His past words have kept me pressing on without growing in despair.  My first year of teaching was… well to say that it was “hard” or “difficult” or simply “trying” would be a gentle term to use.  Truth is the only reason I pressed on without giving up was because I felt like the Spirit had told me that teaching there would prepare me to go back to Guatemala.  It has, in ever moment of being there it has.  Now my second year of teaching hasn’t been a breeze either, but I haven’t cried daily like I did last year (in fact it has been rare ).  I’ve learned a lot and it has all been useful things to take with me.  I can look at it now and say “The Lord put me there to learn and prepare me.”  And yet with as faithful as the Lord has been, it by no means has come without resistance. 

When I truly began pursuing conformation with the Lord that going to Guatemala was His call on my life, my sister’s home (where I was living) caught on fire in the middle of the night for no apparent reason and I was forced to house hop for the next month depending solely on those who willingly opened their home to me before we could move back in.  It was then that I learned the assurance of salvation was worth more than all the riches of the world and my belongings, though useful, held no lasting value.  They are simply things.  Even this week the moment after I finished my leaving piece for GCM (which I was very pleased with), the computer I was working on slipped off the table and hit the floor.  The verdict on the computer and all the files on it is still out.  The leaving piece was one that I felt like captured the beautiful partnership between The Village and Casa de Libertad and how GCM was being used to sent believers overseas, how God has been preparing me for this season for long before I knew it, how Christ has called us to be laborers in the harvest and how Guatemala still needed laborers to preach the gospel and my testimony in a simply yet God honoring way.  The last time I read it I was sure that God would use it to bring glory to His name so of course there is resistance to it.  Needless to say I was a little heart broken but it was a simple remember that Satan is against the work of the gospel.  By staying obedient to teaching, I’ve learned confidence in the Lord when others do not approve or actively dislike me.  I’ve learned that obedience is worth more than the desires of my heart, for in reality my desires and my comforts lead me away from the Lord and to my own glory.  The desires that the Father has transformed in my heart lead to more of Him and the praise of His glory.  Satan hates this.  Satan doesn’t want the Father’s name proclaimed, he comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  Satan doesn’t want the gospel preached in the States or in Guatemala, he wants men, women, and children to stay in bondage and yet Christ has come to set them free and His power is far greater than the one of this world.  Praise Him! 

    May each passing day bring about a death to myself and a praise of His glorious name.